2011.
Christmas came. It left.
New Year came. It left.
2012.
Two days of Lunar New Year came. They left.
Then there is the slew of other milestones such as gatherings and birthday and pieces of news, some not quite significant, from various sources that have largely gone by unrecorded save for snippets on Twitter. And so it seems I have lapsed into another period of blog-writing-drought…
Even as I write this, the first month of the "new year" that is 2012 is coming to its end.
Perhaps the result of the piling of ages, perhaps a consequence of an expanded circle of social interactions or perhaps change, I have come to realise this almost-hollow feeling growing inside of me, one that can neither be accurately described as dissatisfaction nor general lack of patience. Life carries on as it has always been but this awareness has been eating at me, something I think I have long known or come to terms with but have yet to find the courage nor word then to express it explicitly. Whether I was running away from it, or avoiding it or maybe even having once professed it but with no present recollection, I now feel it is perhaps the time to place it in writing again.
"Hollow", yes. I have mentioned this before.
Some people have a theme song, others some iconic phrase or string of words in English, Latin or otherwise, or a sliver of experience that resonate deep with them akin to a personal motto or even the very summation or definition of their existence. I had one once, I think, but that must have been too long ago for I am not sure of it now. These years of life, they don’t leave without an impact and they don’t leave without taking something away and leaving behind something else in its place.
It will seem, in the basest way I can hope to express this, that I am "searching". Not particularly for a person, someone or something, I am searching for what I believe is an abstract or to be as precise as I possibly can, a "quality".
Yes, I am searching for a quality.
Like a puzzle piece missing from a greater picture, incomplete, in need of meaning and self-understanding. Like that aforementioned theme song, lost in expression over time. Like a gear dislodged from an intricate series of similar gears. What am I lacking and perhaps, hence looking for? And of silly questions: how does one know they have been answered if they do not know what the answers are?
My only faith is that I will know it if I find it, even if I take a lifetime to reach this "quality". That if I am meant to receive it, it will be found even with eyes shut. That I will come to accept that I may never find it. That after all, ex nihilo nihil fit.
And that miracles, they do exist.
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